It is Selfish to Want to Control Everything (Journal)

I am frustrated because I don’t know what I can and cannot control. I want to be able to decide what I do, which I can; but I also want to be able to decide what the outcomes to my choices are. I realize this is naive, as we can’t be the judge of our own actions, I understand; but why can I make a decision, but not the outcome? This inability to predict, I feel, is a power we are all lacking. We can choose what to wear, but cannot tell if we are going to be comfortable in an outfit without trying it on. An outside opinion of the outfit I am choosing to wear is unprecedented, too; however it isn’t the particular opinion I care about. I care that I have the ability to choose what I want to do, and I care that I want to be able to predict and see what the outcome of what this decision will bring me; but it is only for my own knowledge that I care for. I now realize that this isn’t just being naive—it is selfish. It is selfish for me to assume that I can do what I want, wear what I want and also have the power to know what I will eventually want. You see, there are many things we have the capability to have control over: the outfit, the attitude, our tone, our hair, our feelings and most importantly our self-reflection. I can choose what I would like to reflect on in this moment of time, and maybe cut-out and make a pile of scraps of things I chose not to choose at that time. This is a power in itself, I understand, but I now have another ability to make a decision on what an outcome of something will be: the pile of scraps I have swept into a dustpan, abandoned to collect dust—or, missed reactions—that has now been deemed the unprecedented outside opinions that I chose not to care for previously. It is selfish, yes, to assume that I can know everything and anything I would like to know about the past, present and future self; but it is cooperative to accept outstanding input that I once decided was not necessary to my own control—that I once swept into the dustpan and left to collect that dust—those reactions—that possibly could have deemed themselves useful in my time of frustrations. So, no, it cannot be solely up to me to pick and choose the responses and reactions I receive on actions and decisions I wanted to be able to control myself; but it is up to me what responses I sweep under the rug, and what I choose to allow to help ease my frustration.

New Relationships Are a Book (Journal)

I want to begin dating again but I don’t know where my last relationship ends and where a new one begins. Of course I understand the dates and times are the indication of literality, but mentally I do not know. I don’t know when I am supposed to be applying old lessons to new experiences—when I am supposed to separate previous mistakes from bleeding into new shortcomings. Somehow I feel as if these fears resonate as chapters in a book. When you begin a book, you may have the preface that introduces some ground to give you a sense of familiarity of what to expect. The odd thing about the beginning of a book is that there is no real context about the chapter you are about to read on in previous pages. The preface might as well just be words that you will go on to repeat to yourself again later in the book and in greater chapters, but they will be more spread-out and not compiled in what was supposed to give you directions and information simultaneously. The preface should also encourage you to continue reading, so maybe a new relationship, in the beginning, is supposed to be a nudge in the direction of new chapters you haven’t read yet. Pages that you haven’t experienced yet; and curiosities you won’t be able to identify as questions until you ask them. Translation of these chapters following the preface may have you forget all about your introduction of the book entirely. It was supposed to merely be an introduction, anyhow, and the entire point of the preface was to give you familiar context to work with. But, as you go on and continue reading and further explore the chapters—a new ground is created and the preface, you knew, is now spread-out into an entire story that was more interesting than the introduction itself. Ironically, the only thing usually before the preface in a book is who it is dedicated to, by the author. I guess the new challenge is deciphering if you are going to write this book—this relationship—and be the author, or if your previous mistakes and shortcomings are going to be what it is dedicated to.

Confident in Knowing Nothing (Journal)

I haven’t been feeling confident. Which is really frustrating, considering I have been exercising and making improvements on myself. I guess the good thing to come out of this lack of appreciation for myself is that I am realizing you can have the good body, you can have the healthy routine; but if you are not feeling positive on the inside, what does it matter? I will probably forget this lesson down the road. I don’t know what else could be wrong with my externally or internally that others are not confident in, too. Maybe sometimes I just get these spurts of energy that I mistaken for newfound confidence and pride within myself. I need to stop this but I don’t know how. I also don’t know how to erase months of prior self-image exhaustion not just from my mind, but from anyone else I’ve let experience with me. I am understanding that I can’t alter another’s perception of me, or fix what they only know to be me based on their interactions in the past with me, but that is a power I do wish I had. I think having the ability to pick and choose what mark you leave on someone could be useful for us both. I wouldn’t feel embarrassed, and they wouldn’t feel impressed in any negative way. An ability like this is attractive to me, but the way my mind works would just turn this inability to attain this power into its own manifestation, and then I would be starting with a new problem I have with myself at square one again. I guess I would like to hit the restart button, not just for myself but for the people around me as well. I think I deserve to determine what impressions I make, have the power to build a new outlook from scratch. But then I wonder if a person was never initially thinking that bad thing that I thought they were. It all makes its way back to me somehow. Somehow I am the problem and the solution. That is one power I would not want. Unfortunately that is one thing I cannot pick and choose for myself—what abilities I have, I mean. But somehow I do. I don’t know. None of these things make sense but I want to be able to make them make sense. I am realizing now that I am the only person that has the ability to pick and choose what powers I wish I did and did not have. I think that is the irony of indecisiveness in itself. Maybe I can alter someone’s perception of me—I just can’t erase what has already been imprinted. This is a two-sided power we all have and we just don’t know how to apply it. At least I don’t. I am confident in knowing what I do and do not know.

Making the Most Out of Losing Touch

As long as it is not with yourself, we’re good.

Everyone experiences a falling-out within relationships at some point in time. With friends, boyfriends, girlfriends — even family. Though some relationships are worth salvaging through turbulence, where do we draw the line when these occurrences are too often: to when we start to lose touch within ourselves?

Too frequently, we can overanalyze ourselves whilst in the crossfire of negativity being thrown at us from other people. It is so often, unfortunately, that it changes the entire perspective of an argument and unexpectedly forces us to go through stages of reassessment of other people; and also thrusts us into an epiphany of newfound self-discovery. Though mental and emotional turmoil can feel seemingly unfair and unprecedented when concocted through a once strong relationship, it’s time to embrace the unexpected and start expecting more of others.

Understand early-on if this person is for you or against you. 

But how? Most times when we skin our knees whilst jumping the hurdles staged in paths of relationships, we think about the pain and fall — not the recovery. In time, issues that result in ‘losing touch’ with someone can help us reflect on attitude and behavior from others that the relationship may have led us to be blinded by before. Unfortunately, we don’t care about all this “revelation” crap until it happens. If only we knew when someone was going to let us down, right?

The question still lingers: what makes a person toxic? And more importantly, at what point do we stop blaming ourselves for other people’s shitty behavior and start shedding off the dead, toxic weight that they helped us gain? The scale never lies.*

*(In this sense, at least. Ask me after the months of October-January 1st and I may have to dispute it).


This is a big one. Do you have that one friend person out of the group that always needs to point out the negativities? The kind of person that strips the surface joy just to dig a little deeper for a good jab? Possibly does it to get a laugh out of others at your expense? Yeah. I know the kind. This was my first experience with immature behavior from ‘friends’. 


This same person is probably pretending to be your biggest fan. Empty compliments, vague occasional comments on social media pictures and the all-too-familiar “ew, stop!” that they shout when you dare to show the slightest ounce of personality around…certain people. Accompanied by an eye-roll. Which leads me to my final observation of:


“Arrogance is a hollow confidence”

Michael J. FormicaEgo, Insecurity, and the Destructive Narcissist

We all have egos; but we can choose what we invest in for reaction. This rational truth’s next-door neighbor is Envy; and it is always peering through the front window, waiting to greet you with tainted baked goods amidst us all being human and conversing with the ‘could-be’s’ and ‘what-if’s’. Still, we need to realize that emotional intelligence and sophistication is not carried by condescending and disparaging people.  

All-in-all, recognizing trivial behavior from the get-go of a new relationship (or amidst a revelation of a current one) can be helpful in rationalizing with a toxic person’s behavior; but not necessarily with them. Though one may have good intentions, where do we begin to differentiate an altruistic act versus an egocentric one? 

When we don’t set healthy boundaries, our self-esteem begins to ebb; but here is our hand: should we sacrifice our own well-being and emotional intelligence in the wake of someone’s arrogance? Or, should we teach ourselves to understand the behaviors and verbal vacancies that interactions with these baneful individuals portray? 

Sound like a lot? I may be examining this too closely, but everyone experiences a falling-out within relationships at some point in time. With friends, boyfriends, girlfriends — even family. Though some relationships are worth salvaging through turbulence, where do we draw the line when these occurrences are too often: to when we start to lose touch within ourselves?

Make the most out of losing touch; you may learn something about yourself through someone else’s insolence. 

What are some things you have learned when dealing with toxic individuals?

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*Cover-art photography provided by Travon Schake, @vibeswithkingt via Instagram.

Why I Stopped Caring for Likes and Why You Should, Too

Social media is a cutthroat game. The irony? No one is even social.

When I first downloaded Instagram — circa, 2012? Maybe? It was simply a place where you shared a photo, you knew everyone on your follower list and there wasn’t such a thing as “stories.”

Yes, I’m taking it way back:

No stories

No business tools

No influencers

Maybe the occasional foodie. And, even that phenomenon fizzled quick.*

What happened to trends remaining trends, and only hopping on your feed maybe, er…once every week or so? We were a more disciplined audience, then. When Instagram and Snapchat started simultaneously gaining traction after Facebook — the Myspace successor — lost its young audience and it’s Ancestry-adjacent, here’s-someone-from-your-high school-that-you-never-wanted-to-hear-from-again adult audience moseyed in, major changes rolled out, and the “hashtag” became a universal tool.

Don’t get me wrong — I have my own social media accounts, but, almost involuntarily. Does anyone else feel like they’re missing out on life without it? The irony is almost too sad. Though I have these accounts, my involvement and perception of them has definitely changed course over the past years — and after educating yourself, yours should too.

Pressure. Forced expression. Disappointment. Frustration. Self-loathing.

This is taking a picture for my feed (consensus taken based off myself), and in that order.

Then, when you taken the dreaded “eh…this could work” kind of photo — the over-analyzation overwhelms any kind of positive thoughts you had on this one mediocre snap. *logs off*

It was specifically this tennis match of a game that social media made me play and had me call the referee for a timeout; but will you reach your Break Point?


What are some experiences that made you leave — or limit — your social media use?


And if you haven’t logged off yet: do you think you could live without it?


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*no it hasn’t

Admitting I Don’t Know What’s Going On Here

I don’t know what I am supposed to be doing here. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing anywhere, really.

Sometimes I’ll be on Instagram, mindlessly scrolling through and double-tapping the things I want, the people I want to be, the things captured that I envy. This makes me feel shallow – guilty that I am not thankful enough for the basic things I have that many do not: a roof, a job, decent money to live on and a phone to even have the account for the app that got me into this mental spiral of “why not me” and “why me”. This is all very exhausting, you see.

I know how to be grateful, I do! There’s just certain people you see or certain places those people document and share that have me asking myself often…did they post that on purpose? Did they intentionally gloat because they knew that I would see it and be having these reactions? I like to think Kylie Jenner has enough to keep her busy, but really, does she know that we’re here, eating all of this shit up? They have to know. It’s what keeps this embarrassing cycle alive, and me awake at night. Awful.

The great thing about admitting I don’t know what’s going on half the time is that I’ve learned that many others don’t either.

I’ve found that when you are the first to verbal it, many follow suit; I just have yet to decide wether this is a great leadership quality I have, or if its a poor, sadly mistaken effort I’ve blindly made in getting those around me to admit something jokingly in pity, for this is all abnormal and no – I should really get my shit together and stat.

Last year, a lot of things happened in my personal life including – but not limited to – loss, dehydration and a lot of exhausting sleep. Yes, I know, thats an oxymoron I should be grateful for proclaiming but many of you may understand what I’m getting at. A lot of my time recently has been wasted so unintentionally; I truly have let things and instances engulf my headspace so frequently that all I want to do is drop everything and sleep! Except, the busybody in me doesn’t want to go to sleep and quite frankly just wants to be as productive as possible and drink a lot of water while doing it, but, you see how this is tiring already.

Does anyone else feel this way? Finding yourself intertwined in this cycle of Work, Be Tired From Work, Wanting To Be Productive and Oh Man I Really Feel Like Shit Ending Up In Bed At 6:30 PM Again.

Maybe its just me. But, the beauty of estimating that possibility is: I admit it!

Is there anything that has you finding yourself asking, Does anyone else feel this way?

You can trust me, there is.

But just incase you need that reassurance of someone else stepping forward first, let me know in the comments. It’ll be like popcorn reading in class: you didn’t ask for this opportunity but you might as well use it as it may be the only platform you have, then lay your crap on the next person that once considered you a friend.

Cheers to us.

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Finding Your Outlet

It’s been a while.

There are so many things a day involves completing. Whether you stay at home, spend your day at work or run errands all day long, something needs your attention. How can you get this all done in time, while still eating more than just a granola bar and sipping on iced coffee all day, and still somehow get your eight hours of sleep?


Phew. There’s time. There’s somehow always time. We get things done, in our own fashion without the worry of “when” or “how quickly” somehow. In the midst of complaining or mapping out this afternoon’s overwhelmed breakdown–we plan. Planning always seems to calm me down. Having a physical or mental agenda for the day ahead relaxes me. I remember there’s time and to have patience. I’ve scheduled these times for a reason, to prevent that afternoon tantrum.

I’ve just found my outlet: planning.

For others it may be exercise, and some may indulge in nothing. These are the mechanisms we create and enable ourselves to regulate and normalize and create into a routine. What’s yours?

For myself, having a journal or notebook (or seven) calms me. It allows me to strike some kind of creative energy that puts me into that “zen” state–but still allows my mind to think as quickly as my hands and go go go. This rush of artistic adrenaline and short-term creativity only lasts a minute, but that is what I have allowed myself to crave. This is my indulgence; this is my outlet. Subconsciously I planned for this breakdown and knew I would reach that ultimate conclusion of “this is fine, this is good”. I’ve even plotted at what time of the day I would have this epiphany. Call it ‘crazy’, decide it to be ‘wacky’. This is my outlet, and again, what is yours?

A great thing about finding your outlet is that it is keen to you. You allow it to engulf your way of thinking, let it adjust your way of processing the day. For some it can be music, or it can be avoiding to plan anything at all. That is it’s beauty–it morphs and it bends and it shapes into what you can fit it into; more than an idea, or simply just that. It is freedom. It is creative. It is unique. It is indirectly you.

I have been planning things a lot lately. On paper, on calendars and in my thoughts.

I recently have been promoted at work, an escalated position that will trigger and demand this outlet of mine ever so frequently than before. I’ve also been babysitting more, doing favors for regular customers and friends that compensate in exchange for my time. I don’t mind this. Because of finding my outlet and going with it, I have made it part of my process and now allow myself to skip the breakdowns and realizations of time as an essence. I have discovered this: my time isn’t of the essence, rather what I do with it is.

My new position requires me to be more available and more involved in work. Dedicating fifty hours of my time a week to work may seem ridiculous to some–I now see it as another challenge and way to implement my journalistic outlet I have discovered. That is another thing that finding out something new about yourself can bring you; discovery. Lessons. Obstacles that you eventually look forward to. My outlet has now supplemented my adventurous yearning and has been implemented into my day-to-day routines. I have discovered a new way, a new me and a new sense of creativity to put into my functioning.

This is a good discovery. I have learned something new about myself.

What do you implement into your routines to make them unique? See a quick look of my journaling obsession on my Instagram post here

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