It is Selfish to Want to Control Everything (Journal)

I am frustrated because I don’t know what I can and cannot control. I want to be able to decide what I do, which I can; but I also want to be able to decide what the outcomes to my choices are. I realize this is naive, as we can’t be the judge of our own actions, I understand; but why can I make a decision, but not the outcome? This inability to predict, I feel, is a power we are all lacking. We can choose what to wear, but cannot tell if we are going to be comfortable in an outfit without trying it on. An outside opinion of the outfit I am choosing to wear is unprecedented, too; however it isn’t the particular opinion I care about. I care that I have the ability to choose what I want to do, and I care that I want to be able to predict and see what the outcome of what this decision will bring me; but it is only for my own knowledge that I care for. I now realize that this isn’t just being naive—it is selfish. It is selfish for me to assume that I can do what I want, wear what I want and also have the power to know what I will eventually want. You see, there are many things we have the capability to have control over: the outfit, the attitude, our tone, our hair, our feelings and most importantly our self-reflection. I can choose what I would like to reflect on in this moment of time, and maybe cut-out and make a pile of scraps of things I chose not to choose at that time. This is a power in itself, I understand, but I now have another ability to make a decision on what an outcome of something will be: the pile of scraps I have swept into a dustpan, abandoned to collect dust—or, missed reactions—that has now been deemed the unprecedented outside opinions that I chose not to care for previously. It is selfish, yes, to assume that I can know everything and anything I would like to know about the past, present and future self; but it is cooperative to accept outstanding input that I once decided was not necessary to my own control—that I once swept into the dustpan and left to collect that dust—those reactions—that possibly could have deemed themselves useful in my time of frustrations. So, no, it cannot be solely up to me to pick and choose the responses and reactions I receive on actions and decisions I wanted to be able to control myself; but it is up to me what responses I sweep under the rug, and what I choose to allow to help ease my frustration.


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