Confident in Knowing Nothing (Journal)

I haven’t been feeling confident. Which is really frustrating, considering I have been exercising and making improvements on myself. I guess the good thing to come out of this lack of appreciation for myself is that I am realizing you can have the good body, you can have the healthy routine; but if you are not feeling positive on the inside, what does it matter? I will probably forget this lesson down the road. I don’t know what else could be wrong with my externally or internally that others are not confident in, too. Maybe sometimes I just get these spurts of energy that I mistaken for newfound confidence and pride within myself. I need to stop this but I don’t know how. I also don’t know how to erase months of prior self-image exhaustion not just from my mind, but from anyone else I’ve let experience with me. I am understanding that I can’t alter another’s perception of me, or fix what they only know to be me based on their interactions in the past with me, but that is a power I do wish I had. I think having the ability to pick and choose what mark you leave on someone could be useful for us both. I wouldn’t feel embarrassed, and they wouldn’t feel impressed in any negative way. An ability like this is attractive to me, but the way my mind works would just turn this inability to attain this power into its own manifestation, and then I would be starting with a new problem I have with myself at square one again. I guess I would like to hit the restart button, not just for myself but for the people around me as well. I think I deserve to determine what impressions I make, have the power to build a new outlook from scratch. But then I wonder if a person was never initially thinking that bad thing that I thought they were. It all makes its way back to me somehow. Somehow I am the problem and the solution. That is one power I would not want. Unfortunately that is one thing I cannot pick and choose for myself—what abilities I have, I mean. But somehow I do. I don’t know. None of these things make sense but I want to be able to make them make sense. I am realizing now that I am the only person that has the ability to pick and choose what powers I wish I did and did not have. I think that is the irony of indecisiveness in itself. Maybe I can alter someone’s perception of me—I just can’t erase what has already been imprinted. This is a two-sided power we all have and we just don’t know how to apply it. At least I don’t. I am confident in knowing what I do and do not know.

Categories: journal

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