I don’t know what I am supposed to be doing here. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing anywhere, really.
Sometimes I’ll be on Instagram, mindlessly scrolling through and double-tapping the things I want, the people I want to be, the things captured that I envy. This makes me feel shallow – guilty that I am not thankful enough for the basic things I have that many do not: a roof, a job, decent money to live on and a phone to even have the account for the app that got me into this mental spiral of “why not me” and “why me”. This is all very exhausting, you see.
I know how to be grateful, I do! There’s just certain people you see or certain places those people document and share that have me asking myself often…did they post that on purpose? Did they intentionally gloat because they knew that I would see it and be having these reactions? I like to think Kylie Jenner has enough to keep her busy, but really, does she know that we’re here, eating all of this shit up? They have to know. It’s what keeps this embarrassing cycle alive, and me awake at night. Awful.
The great thing about admitting I don’t know what’s going on half the time is that I’ve learned that many others don’t either.
I’ve found that when you are the first to verbal it, many follow suit; I just have yet to decide wether this is a great leadership quality I have, or if its a poor, sadly mistaken effort I’ve blindly made in getting those around me to admit something jokingly in pity, for this is all abnormal and no – I should really get my shit together and stat.
Last year, a lot of things happened in my personal life including – but not limited to – loss, dehydration and a lot of exhausting sleep. Yes, I know, thats an oxymoron I should be grateful for proclaiming but many of you may understand what I’m getting at. A lot of my time recently has been wasted so unintentionally; I truly have let things and instances engulf my headspace so frequently that all I want to do is drop everything and sleep! Except, the busybody in me doesn’t want to go to sleep and quite frankly just wants to be as productive as possible and drink a lot of water while doing it, but, you see how this is tiring already.
Does anyone else feel this way? Finding yourself intertwined in this cycle of Work, Be Tired From Work, Wanting To Be Productive and Oh Man I Really Feel Like Shit Ending Up In Bed At 6:30 PM Again.
Maybe its just me. But, the beauty of estimating that possibility is: I admit it!
Is there anything that has you finding yourself asking, Does anyone else feel this way?
You can trust me, there is.
But just incase you need that reassurance of someone else stepping forward first, let me know in the comments. It’ll be like popcorn reading in class: you didn’t ask for this opportunity but you might as well use it as it may be the only platform you have, then lay your crap on the next person that once considered you a friend.
Cheers to us.
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